If God spoke to me in an audible voice, I believe this is what he would say to me right now. “Why do you doubt me? After I provide for you time and time again. After I continuously show you that you are right were you need to be, and that I have wonderful things in store for you. Why do you still doubt?”
As I spent some time talking with one of my sweet new housemates early this morning, I was reminded of some words that I wrote in my half-dazed state my first week here. I was reminded of many things I believe to be true that I had forgotten for a time, and it propelled to share these few thoughts and the truth that is in them, no matter my state of mind at the time they were written.
Ok, confession time. I did not want to come back to Rwanda. There, now you know. And now that I’m here and feeling good about being here, I think it’s okay to admit it to others. This summer was good. Really good. But during my time home I realized how much I did not miss Rwanda and did not want to think about coming back. Even towards the end, when not thinking about it became unavoidable, I busied myself with friends, family, organizing, and errands (which I don’t enjoy doing). Conveniently, I also had two small trips in the States on my way out of the country I had to focus on. So really, I avoided thoughts of Rwanda quite successfully, until I actually arrived…at which point, it felt like a strange dream.
Being in this strange daze in-between dream and reality (with part of my mind left floating over the ocean on an airplane), I began going through the motions; quite realistic and surprisingly productive motions. When I’m transitioning and/or jet-lagged, I am usually very calm and quiet as I carefully observe, think, and then let my body decide how to appropriately react once it’s ready. Well apparently I skipped straight to the action part this time as I reacted to this transition by constantly doing things until I collapsed of complete exhaustion. I continue to go through the motions as they become more intentional and I am more present in every one.
Each day that I have been here, I have been both surprised and pleased with the amount of peace that I have about being here; that I am at such ease with where I am. And, as time goes on, even a little excited about things to come during my time here. Once again, God has already exceeded any expectations I had (if I had any). He has provided me with a somewhat new/refreshed perspective on this place. I have already seen a glimpse of some potentially great things to come. I have already seen how helpless I am here, how some things are out of my control, and some problems are not for me to solve. I have already been shown great love, by sweet strangers who are now friends. God has already provided me with new, life giving relationships that feel old—in the best way. And he has already given me patience, strength, love, and energy that I know is not my own. Yes, there is a lot of good. There are also a lot of doubts, challenges and frustrations that have already made me tired. I have to make a constant effort to focus on being content here when I am missing my family and the comforts of another home. But my heart is full.
So why do I doubt? It is easier to see now that my “not wanting to think about returning to Rwanda” this summer enabled me to focus intently on my time home and be fully present during time with family and friends. I am quickly readjusting (so I think), and I’m getting back into a bit of a routine with work and daily life. In the few weeks I have been here, God has already provided for me immensely and reminded me of this daily. I would like to say that I get it now and that I won’t doubt again… But I’m sure I will.